Who Is a Pulmaisa or Wedding Father?
The Estonian "Wedding Father" or Wedding Host or Pulmaisa explained. What he does and why we ever need one? What's up with the wedding games and traditions?
First of all, forget the term "wedding father" or "father of the wedding." Even though it's the direct translation, it doesn't sound good in English. In Estonian wedding tradition, the word and role of Pulmaisa is so deeply rooted that it barely needs explaining.
There is no real equivalent of a Pulmaisa in Western European or US weddings. Part of the tasks and responsibilities are usually split between a wedding planner, the best man, or an MC (master of ceremonies) — but none of these roles is exactly what a Pulmaisa does at an Estonian wedding. As a side note, I should mention that Pulmaisas are not all alike; they take on different responsibilities from wedding to wedding. What's described here is specific to how I do it.
Think of a Pulmaisa as your best friend — the kind of Best Man you could have had if you'd met him ten years earlier instead of just a year before the wedding. Someone who does absolutely everything to make the day the bride and groom have dreamed of come true, and to create the best possible party for every single guest. A Pulmaisa is someone you can fully rely on during your wedding day. If there's no wedding planner involved, he's also the one making sure everything runs smoothly on the operational and organisational side. But the main responsibility of a Pulmaisa is to make sure every guest feels welcomed and taken care of, and that they get a night they'll remember for years to come.
What A Pulmaisa Actually Does?
I guess, for me, one of the main goals is to unite this whole crowd so that by the end of the party they feel like one. One family, one group of friends — what else could you wish for from a wedding? Isn't that what it's really about — uniting two into one? What you'll most likely want to remember from your wedding, beyond the fact and feeling of marrying the love of your life, is that everyone enjoyed the ceremony and the party, and that it's something they're deeply thankful to have been part of. Something they'll remember every time with real emotion and a smile on their face, even 20 years later. Every wedding has this potential, and I do my absolute best to make it happen.
I guess, for me, one of the main goals is to unite this whole crowd so that by the end of the party they feel like one. One family, one group of friends — what else could you wish for from a wedding? Isn't that what it's really about — uniting two into one? What you'll most likely want to remember from your wedding, beyond the fact and feeling of marrying the love of your life, is that everyone enjoyed the ceremony and the party, and that it's something they're deeply thankful to have been part of. Something they'll remember every time with real emotion and a smile on their face, even 20 years later. Every wedding has this potential, and I do my absolute best to make it happen.
I believe a Pulmaisa plays a crucial role in shaping the atmosphere and vibe of the wedding, as well as in getting the party going. If uniting two families and their friends is one of my main focuses, helping the party get going is the second. To some cultures that might even sound strange — what do you mean, people need help to get a party going? But they do. Estonians certainly do, and I've met plenty of foreign guests over the years who really appreciate having someone like me at the wedding to "help get the party going." You can read some feedback from foreign guests here.
Setting the Vibe, Uniting Families and Friends and Getting the Party Going
Only now do we get to the part where we can actually talk about wedding activities — or "wedding games," as people like to call them. It's true that in the old days, different games were organised to test whether the bride and groom were ready for marriage and the challenges ahead, often pitting their families and friends against each other in playful competition. It's also true that many of these games were great fun to watch, but embarrassing to actually take part in. That's exactly why they were usually saved for the point in the evening when guests were completely wasted, past caring, and unlikely to remember much the next day — and yes, people really did drink a lot at Estonian weddings back then.
Nowadays it's different. Couples usually want to avoid heavy drinking and all the embarrassing games their parents and grandparents went through in their day — and honestly, I want to avoid that too. To me, a wedding is unique, unlike any other event you can think of, and I have to be very sensitive and careful about what to do and what not to do, in order to protect this delicate occasion. The activities I run are there to help people ease into the party, warm up and settle into the atmosphere, help the party get going, and unite this special crowd. Sometimes we also weave in a few traditional elements — most likely fun, but never embarrassing. I never want anyone to feel uncomfortable at the wedding.
So yes — this is what I, as a Pulmaisa, do, and I like to simply call myself a Wedding Host. Hi, I'm Hannes, your Wedding Host, taking care of everything seen and behind the scenes to make your dream day happen — at your Estonian wedding, or wherever in the world you choose to have it.
Wedding Games in Estonia: Then and Now
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